MAMAturity

Today marks 35 weeks of growing & carrying our baby inside of me. In ways it has felt so long, and others so short! Its amazing thinking how we will get to meet our baby in 5 (5-7) weeks! eek

This week we’ve attended appointments, classes and tours of birthing suites. It’s all been very real, and at the same time very settling. I love being prepared, I like knowing an order of things, what will happen from A-Z; and when we visited our local hospital, I met the first midwife who’s given us a very honest overview of childbirth (all of our other midwives have been great too, but I like to know the intricate details!) It was just what I needed to get my head around what is about to happen. I know this approach isn’t for everyone, but for me, it was the best advice I’ve been given my whole pregnancy.

Such a focus has been put on the importance of bonding with your baby before birth. Playing your baby music, reading to them, or simply placing your hands on your tummy in response to their movements. I’ve thought about this long & hard, and being a scientist, I understand the importance of connection for brain development; but I can’t help feel a little silly, talking to my belly or asking questions in conversations with my husband & baby. All I can think of is how hard it would be to have a conversation with someone when they are sitting on the edge of a swimming pool and you’re under the water! Can our baby really hear us? Will they recognise our voices after birth? All the evidence shows that baby can hear you & gets accustomed to the soothing sound of your voice. Baby’s hearing is developing all the time, and from 23 weeks they can hear external sounds. So even though it seems odd, it’s true!

With all this in mind I’ve decided that this blog is for baby; a letter. A quick note that I can read aloud to baby as we get closer to birth.

Hi Baby,

I’m your Mummy. We’ve chatted a lot since you’ve been in there, and it’s not long until we get to see each other face to face.

You are 35 weeks grown now, around the size of a pineapple and about 5.5lbs; so you’ve still got some growing to do before we meet!

Both your Daddy & I cant wait to meet you. Sometimes we chat about what you will be like. Who you will look more like. What colour your eyes will be, or if you’ll have Daddy’s hair colour! No matter what, you’ll be our baby. We love you so much already.

We pray that you will arrive safely, that your delivery will be a safe & enjoyable experience and that you will be a healthy and happy baby. We can’t wait, even though we are anxious as this is all new to us, the image of holding you for the first time diminishes all of our fears. As we count down the days to your due date, we are preparing things at home for your arrival, checking our lists to make sure we have everything you’ll need.

Pippa can’t wait to meet you too, she loves nothing more than laying with her head on my tummy listening to your heartbeat. We all love feeling you move & wriggle about in there.

We haven’t chosen a name for you, but we know we will find the perfect one soon. For now we shall call you our baby, as that’s what you always will be. Our prayed for child, our family, our future, ours.

So as you continue to grow, and we continue to wonder more & more about you; stay safe in there little one, it’s not long now & we look forward to meeting you.

All of my love,

Your Mummy.

It’s all starting to get a bit real! My due date is in 6 weeks! Under advisement I’ve decided it’s time to get sorted, to pack my hospital bag and have everything sitting ready for baby’s arrival.

I’ve read so many articles on sites like bounty, Emma’s diary etc. about what you need to include in your bag.

Most importantly your hospital notes & birth preferences sheets! Obviously something I can’t pack until I’m ready to go, so I’m guaranteed to forget those!!

Getting sorted with what I can pack, most have suggested to just think of the essentials you would take on a night away. Toiletries, to include a nice lip balm/cream, labour can be very drying apparently! A couple of sets of comfortable nightwear, preferably a nighty for labour, obviously I’ve picked up a very fetching Harry Potter one to match my dressing gown! Slippers & socks are a must, a few friends have also suggested flip flops incase you have to use a shared bathroom of shower! Such a good idea so I’ll be packing those in with my detol wipes, though I can’t imagine wiping the place down during labour will be top of my list!

Besides the usuals, breast pads & nursing bras were next on the list, alongside big comfy pants! I picked up a couple of nursing bras in M&S, though I’d also had H&M & JoJo recommended to me. I don’t know how or when you become a pro at working them but I’m packing them anyway. Ideally I’d like to feed baby myself, I know it doesn’t always work out so I’m not getting my hopes up, but I’d rather have all the essentials packed just incase. Also on the breastfeeding side of things, I’ve been told to pack lanolin cream as it’s a lifesaver; apparently some hospitals give a little tube to new feeding mums, but I’d rather be safe than sorry & pack my own. Amazon seems to be the cheapest for this at around £8.

I’m only part way through & already need a bigger bag!!

Snacks seem to be an essential, Ive packed some chocolates and sweets and a few bottles of coconut water. I choose coconut water over sports drinks because I just don’t really like the taste of sports drinks; but coconut water being a natural, nutrient packed isotonic drink should do the same, and it’s yummy too!

A couple of flannels, your favourite pillow and a hot water bottle are also suggestions going in my bag, along with a set of going home clothes. The more comfortable the better I’ve been told. I’m going to get some relaxing music downloaded and maybe have a little speaker too, I think earphones would just get in the way, but I’ll pack those too just incase.

The last thing to go in is Witch hazel. I’ve asked plenty of mamas advice on what essentials to pack & this was recommended time & time again! A bottle of witch hazel will set you back just a few pounds compared to other branded “post birth recovery solutions,” and is recommended for safe use post birth by Mayo Clinic. Mums have suggested diluting some in a spray bottle to mimic perineal sprays or simply pour some onto a maternity pad for soothing relief post birth. Due to witch hazels antibacterial, antiseptic and anti-inflammatory property’s I can see why it’s such a good item to have on hand post birth.

So that’s my bag, fully stocked & ready for the main event. Now for baby.

I already feel like I’m jetting off for a week long holiday with the amount I’ve packed. Baby is a bit easier to pack for.

I’ve got sleep suits & vests in two sizes, up to 9lbs (being hopeful) and 0-3 months which goes to 13lbs. A little hat & scratch mittens, a blanket, a going home outfit for baby and a little cuddly toy we’ve bought baby too. I’ve got nappies, muslin cloths, some cotton wool pads and a pack of water wipes just incase. We get our pram & car seat delivered in early February, so I think we will instal our isofix base & have the seat ready when I reach about 38 weeks.

I have baby’s bag packed but it all needs washed. I’ve bought persil non-bio capsules, so that’s a job to be done this week. I follow mummynutrition on Instagram & she had a great idea of putting items in little labelled sandwich bags, making it easier for you or your partner to find exactly what you need when you need it, so once everything is washed I’ll be organising this bag this way. It also means you have lots of little bags for dirty items too!

Daddy will need a bag too, fresh clothes, a few toiletries and some snacks of his own, I can’t imagine he would want to share mine! We will pack all of our chargers, power packs & camera in his bag to make sure they all get there safely.

So that’s it, all packed up and nearly ready to go. Hopefully I haven’t forgotten anything important, it’s hard to know exactly what you will need/want but I’ve tried to cover all eventualities. So where do they keep those little luggage trolleys at the maternity hospital? I feel like we will need one!

Just a short blog entry this week. I missed last weekends blog post day as I just didn’t really have any words to say.

I was gearing up for writing my 32 week post, with plans of writing how to pack a hospital bag & how we plan to get the house ready for a baby. I had most of the weekend to myself as my husband was away; that’s when it happened. I couldn’t feel our baby move anymore. All plans went out the window & I focused all of my attention on feeling movement. I felt a few slight flutters on Friday night, but these felt very out of the ordinary. On Saturday morning I couldn’t feel anything. I followed the protocol; had a cold glass of water, waited for its effects, still nothing. Lay on my left side, being hopeful that I would feel a slight flutter, anything; I still felt nothing. I grabbed my notes, called my husband, went to my parents & my dad took me to the hospital.

After some tests, scans & chats with very helpful, doctors & midwives, baby was given the all clear & I was sent home with the advice to return if I was concerned again.

Why is she writing this you might ask; well on Sunday morning I sat in our church service, appropriately about prayer.

I know it might be unpopular to write about my beliefs in my blog, but this is a personal blog, about my real life, and that’s how I want to keep it. Honest. Real. Me.

I sat there in that church service, bemused. Prayer is an integral part of Christianity, yet I tend to pray with the most conviction when I want something. I thought about our baby. We prayed for a baby, we were blessed to fall pregnant & that was really the end of that story; until last weekend. My next prayers were along the lines of, “please let our baby be ok, please don’t let this happen to us.” Isn’t it odd, believer or not, that in times of need we cry out to a power higher than ourselves, but the rest of the time we are fine to go it alone?

Personally I was challenged. Last weekend was the closest I’ve come to experiencing loss or even the thought of it. I was going it alone until I realised that this situation was much bigger than I was. I believe in God. I believe he created the world, and us, each uniquely; but I struggled to understand why something like this could happen, but at the same time knew He was the only one to help.

As I sat in that hospital room, attached to beeping monitors, my Dad quietly said, “it’s Ok, God is in control.”

I hadn’t intended to write this blog at all. I was just going to let it all slip by. A distant memory. One I’d rather forget about. I’ve typed, deleted, typed & deleted; but I keep coming back to this. In that moment I needed to hear those words, “God is in control,” and I feel there are many others who need to hear it too. Deep down inside I knew I needed to share this, it’s greater than the thoughts of “what will people think.” No matter the difference in situations, the message is the same. No matter how you feel, don’t go it alone. You aren’t on your own, and there is a greater plan. Even if you don’t believe, reach out to someone. You never know how many people are praying into your situation, while listening quietly to help & comfort you along the way.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget; so this post is here to remind me, and anyone else who needs to hear it:

God is in control.

Trust him. Don’t just go to him with wish-list requests. Let Him into every aspect of your life, not just the hard bits.

Be thankful.

It’s a challenge. One I need to work on.

I’m writing this from a place of tiredness. My body is tired, my mind is tired and my motivation to get up and go has got up and went. Even though I said I wouldn’t, I got caught up. Caught up with the new year, new start crew. Yesterday I felt like I was walking on air. “I’m not even tired” I kept exclaiming to my husband as I just kept doing things. I went to work, got home, immediately started dinner, done the grocery shop, prepared the lunches, walked the dog and then I made hot chocolates and finally sat down with my husband at 9.45pm. Well when I say sat down, I pranced around the house trying to reach my step goal, if you know you know! While we walked the dog we chatted about our baby, which swiftly led to my post baby weight loss plan, which led to the prancing around and becoming obsessed with a goal that 1 day previous I’d sworn not to make.

Some people curse social media, they say it puts unnecessary pressure on us to compare, or conform. Just this morning I read an article on how an obsession with the Kardashian’s is ruining lives…honestly I believe in some cases this is true, but social media doesn’t bombard us unless we’ve chosen to see that content. On each platform we choose to follow accounts which we like or find beneficial. We choose. So if we choose to follow accounts that create an unhealthy mindset or make us strive for an unrealistic goal, it’s on us. At the end of the day, we apply the pressure that we ultimately crumble under. There is no one out there saying you must look like Kim (ok well there probably is, but that’s just rude). Instead people out there are saying, “ohh look how great she looks” and that’s where the pressure begins. We compare, compare our lives, compare our size, we think she looks great because she does X, Y & Z to achieve it; and then we say, I’m going to do that too and I’ll be just like her.

We are bombarded with celebs, who lets be honest, it’s in their professional interests to look flawless 24/7. There is so much external pressure on them to maintain a certain look, shape, weight to enable their agents to get them work. We don’t see that side of things in the glossy magazines, we don’t see the effects of the pressures until it’s too late and they are being slandered on the front pages.

We don’t have those pressures. Our lives are our own. I’ve said so many times that I don’t want to put pressure on myself after baby is born, but there I was/am, getting sucked in, worrying about what others would think of me next summer if I wasn’t back to my former frame. I was bombarded with my own pressure. I didn’t want my husband to think less of me for not getting back to my usual self, I didn’t want my family to think I wasn’t trying hard enough, and internally I was comparing myself to everyone I know who’s bounced back after having a baby.

Comparison is the thief of joy, and no one needs that. The thoughts I was having are completely normal, I’m sure a million mums to be have been where I was, but it’s silly. Silly to think that way about people who love you so dearly, silly to think that way about yourself, your body, the one that’s growing your baby.

I met my husband when I was much heavier than I am now at 31 weeks pregnant; he loved me how I was then, he loved me at my lightest, and he definitely loves me now as I grow our baby. So the intrusive thoughts that clouded my judgement were wrong. My husband will still love me, baby weight or not!

I resolved to make no resolutions this year, I even wrote a whole blog post, I lied. Deep down inside I was already pressuring myself to fit into the goals preset by society. Comparing myself to everyone out there, even strangers pushing prams in the street! So I’m resetting. I’m using this week as a free trial. A week to work out the kinks and get my head in the right place. Instead of exhausting myself trying to fulfil #newyearnewme I’m aiming to achieve #NewYearBeMe

I feel that taking this approach this year is so important, especially when the arrival of a baby guarantees the arrival of a whole other host of emotions including the dreaded mum-guilt.

This needs to be a year where I 100% try to do what is best for me-and for baby, not comparing my situations to others, not trying to do things a certain way because that’s what people online say is best. Just me, finding out what works for me as I begin this journey into the unknown. No pressure, just joy. As I said in my previous blog, I want to enjoy my time with baby, I want to love every single minute we spend together, without any added pressures to mother a certain way, or look skinny and stylish as I do so. I’ll be the type of Mum that I naturally become, that’s the only type of Mum my baby needs.

Dr Seuss puts it beautifully:

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!

So join in my 2019 goal: Be you. No one else can do it better.

2018 has been a year filled with excitement and new adventures, sure, it’s not always been a smooth ride, but that’s life.

As we draw to a close on this year, I’m not planning on making New Years resolutions. Yes I would like to loose some weight after baby, or take up running again, definitely re-join the gym; I already know that 2019 will also be an exciting but challenging year. I don’t need to put extra pressure on myself trying to achieve a tick-list I set to try and feel good.

This year I’m going to try and take each day as it comes, live in the moment, find joy in everything that comes my way. I found that I spent most of my 2018 feeling out of control, chasing after to-do lists and never really getting anything done!

As I enter week 30 of my pregnancy, it’s hard not to rush forward in time, to make plans for the weeks ahead. Yes I want to live in the moment but I also need to be practical. Some things do require specific planning & spontaneity just doesn’t cut it. We look forward to our new family addition, and we want to enjoy all the time together. I don’t want to miss the fun of decorating the nursery by getting caught up in all the latest baby must-haves we should purchase. I don’t want to miss those early baby days trying to get rid of my baby weight. But most of all, I don’t want to miss anything when it comes to our new family unit by being more concerned with the actions of others; loosing precious time & thought by comparing ourselves, be it people online or actual friends and family. 2019 will be a year like no other, I want to journey with it, I want to experience life in the moment. Our life, not anyone else’s!

I suppose making no resolutions is a way to manage my expectations of what this year has in store for us. I’m not saying I’m not capable, but anything can happen no matter how well we have planned. We’ve never had a baby before; honestly we haven’t a clue as to how our lives will be after.

So let’s toast to the new year. Let’s give it our best, don’t allow it to overwhelm us with the fear of what’s to come, the anxiety of trying to keep up with the world or the drama of pretending to have that insta perfect life. Let’s enter 2019 as who we are, not with a list of who we want to be!

Our personalities change as seasons in our lives change.

A couple of years ago I found myself in a place where I was striving for a healthier lifestyle than the one I was living. Healthy eating and exercise quickly became a very big part of my everyday routine, loosing inches & dress sizes until I reached my desired goal.

It all sounds great. It was. I’m not being big headed or trying to blow my own trumpet, but I do allow myself to be proud of the progress I’d made; so just imagine, finding out everything is going to change.

Body image is very hard to get a grip on. Even when you reach where you want to be, the mind still picks out your flaws, it’s hard to shake the old way of thinking.

When I found out I was pregnant, all I could think of was my progress unraveling and not being able to do anything about it! I kept thinking, “well I’ll never look this good again.” Honestly I started looking up pictures online of women at different stages of pregnancy, following progress of ladies documenting their pregnancy & comparing my size to theirs to imagine what I would look like, wondering what size I would end up. Mentally it was exhausting, combined with the first 12 weeks of growing a baby, it was physically exhausting. I tried so hard to complete workout videos in my living room to keep my weight under control; I could probably count on one hand how many I’ve actually done. Instead of fulfilling all the things the internet told me we’re good for a healthy pregnancy, I spent most of my time outside work, sleeping on the sofa or eating a lot of toast & pasta. This was what was good for my body, but mentally I was angry with myself. Annoyed that I wasn’t even helping myself to stay on track. No matter how much my brain was motivated, my body just couldn’t keep up.

As my body grows, so does my mindset.

We attended our dating scan, it was the first moment we both realised the enormity of what was happening. I lay there on the bed, cold jelly on my, physically, relatively small tummy (mentally, my very huge tummy), whilst my husband held my hand. That’s when we first saw baby. The little human life growing away inside of me. A human. An actual human being! We watched as the sonographer took the screenshots & measured the baby’s length all before telling us the due date. I lay there thinking. Thinking about this little life on the screen. Thinking about our current life and all of the upheaval of our house renovation. Thinking about our lives all combined together next year. The little black and white image of our child danced around on the screen, surely this was more important than any thing else.

A few weeks passed and we had another appointment. We knew we wouldn’t get to see baby for another few weeks though. We entered the doctors room & I was invited to lay on the bed again. All off a sudden the room was filled with the sound of clattering hooves. The heartbeat. So strong. So determined. So definite. We all looked at each other, smiling, listening, not wanting this moment to end. As I listened to the sound of our baby’s heart, I couldn’t even begin to raise those selfish thoughts of my changing body again. All of my thoughts were loving & hopeful and filled with excitement. If I could hear that sound everyday I’d will my body to change more, I’d welcome it with open arms!

Our anomaly scan was extra special. As a scientist, the human body fascinates me. The sonographer carefully found the orientation of baby & began to skilfully point out all the organs. As she mentioned the heart, the four chambers showed up on the screen. Delicately beating. I couldn’t believe all of this was happening inside me. My changing body was doing so much that I couldn’t see until now!

8 weeks later & here we are. I definitely don’t fit in any of my jeans. Some of my favourite clothes are a bit snug. Any new items I’ve bought are a size or two bigger than my normal. Don’t get me wrong I sometimes still look in the mirror and have a little sulk. I don’t have a lovely baby bump, I just look larger, and this “glow” everyone chats about, I certainly don’t have that either. I’ve accepted it. This is my body & it’s changing for a greater purpose. My new found love of growing our baby has overturned any vain thoughts I previously had. I’m tired. Heavy. Not quite myself most of the time; but this journey isn’t just for me. It would be selfish to think that it was. This baby is a gift. A gift for my husband & I. A gift for our families.

When I think back over this pregnancy, I don’t want to remember feeling chunky, or worrying that my clothes are too tight. I want to remember all these firsts. I want to remember all the stages that we witnessed our baby as it grew.

I began writing this blog to remember my journey of maturing into motherhood. I’ve listened to many podcasts where mothers, when asked the question what does being a mum mean; they answer putting others before yourself. Already I understand. The female body amazingly grows & births. It’s such a natural process, all to protect the little life inside.

I know my journey will be long and I’m looking forward to learning as I go, but already I feel that so many other mamas out there are helping each other with their words & experiences. It’s easy to think, “I’m never going to be a great mum as I was more worried about my changing body shape than the development of my baby;” but I’m not the only one! This community that is being built is amazing. Beautiful honest posts about motherhood help others see that it’s not always rosey, and that’s 100% ok!