Author: Ashleigh McC

What a surreal time we’re living in.

I haven’t blogged in quite some time, my phone notes are full of half written posts. Notes to my daughter, little thoughts I wanted to remember, milestones I wanted to write about but thought no one would care, but now seems a good time. There are a lot of posts out there already about the current situation. And to be honest, a lot of them probably say something similar to this; but sometimes it’s nice to write, to let some thoughts escape, to free up some head space, so read on if you’d like, I’m not offended if you leave now, I’m sure some people are avoiding virus chat at all costs.

It’s mother’s day 2020, a lot of us had our plans disrupted, a lot of our loved ones may feel unseen but a lot of precautions are being taken to protect our vulnerable family members. It’s hard, being distant from those who play a major part in your life.

Mothers day 2019 was my first ever mothers day. It’s a day I’ll never forget. I sat in my living room, just like this morning, only I had a new born baby and a midwife by my side. Similar to today, I sat there, listening to words I just couldn’t take in. My baby was ‘failing to thrive.’ Fast-forward to this year and I can’t help but think of our world right now. Failing to thrive. Even with trying our best, it seems like everything is going wrong. Just how I felt a year ago. Helpless, hopeless, fearful of the future.

Today, I relate to these feeling, as I’m sure a lot in our community do too. Life is so strange. We see images on our social media and are bombarded hourly with news updates. We’re living in a panic-stricken society, bulk buying, working from home, staying away from our loved ones for the fear they will get ill; yet at the same time teens are gathering in parks and beaches, thinking schools out for summer, let the party begin, families are flocking to the beaches, a lot of people are living as normal, aiding the spread of the virus.

It’s a time of uncertainty, but together we can get through this, together we can protect each other. If you don’t have to go to your place of work, or to the shops, don’t! The more people we are in contact with, the more people we could potentially infect.

When I look back on the past year, I think about how much my daughter has changed. From that tiny baby, failing to thrive; to a chatty, vibrant toddler, full of life. I think of myself as a mother, fearful, anxious, upset but now, each day is filled with joy, watching my daughter grow. Reflecting on that uncertain time in my own life gives me hope in these widespread times of uncertainty. Things will get better.

This morning I sat in the living room and watched church online, it was odd, seeing people we normally see weekly, not knowing when we will see them in person again; however, I was encouraged. I know telling people not to fear is a little redundant right now, but hand over your fear to God, he’s got this… And if you aren’t a church-goer, know that there are many out there, praying, and hoping for the future. No one here knows what tomorrow will bring, but we know the one who does.

So instead of feeling hopeless, lets fill our lives with hope for the future. Instead of feeling helpless, think how you can help others throughout this, whether it’s staying at home and distancing to protect others, running a short errand for your elderly neighbour and leaving essentials on their doorstep or calling up your friends for a chat to keep the normality of life going.

If anyone fancies a chat, you can find me on Instagram @ashleigh_mcconkey

This may be the middle of a storm, but storms pass.

Stay safe. Stay home.

1. Sleep when your baby sleeps is the most useless piece of advice a new mum can get.
Your baby sleeps in the car, out on a walk, when you’re having a shower, you get the point. Babies rarely sleep at a time when you conveniently have nothing to do, because, we’ll you’re a mum now, you’ve always something to do!

2. You will never have a great night’s sleep again.
Now don’t get me wrong, we can’t complain! Ella is a great sleeper and has slept through from she was 8 weeks old, but even though we’re getting our 8 hours, we’re never in a deep sleep. One ear on the pillow, one ear listening for Ella. Always listening!

3. It’s OK not to know if it’s your kid crying, or what their cry even means!
When I was pregnant I listened to so many mums saying thing like, “oh you’ll get to know all their wee cries and what they mean” and “oh I could tell my child’s cry a mile off.” maybe you can, that’s great, but honestly, Ella has one cry, loud, long and ear piercing, I’ve no idea what she wants the majority of the time and if she was in a room full of babies I couldn’t tell you when it was her that was crying… And I’m OK with that. Does that make me a bad mum? Who knows, but I’ll not get hung up on it!

4. Self care isn’t selfish… Its just really, really hard!
Ella was automatically promoted to number one priority as soon as she was born. We get up in the mornings, Ella gets her milk, she gets washed and dressed, she gets a really nutritious breakfast, I run around like a headless chicken, quickly wash & change, pack everything we need, headout the door and realise I’m starving! It’s not only in the everyday things, we plan trips around Ella’s needs, we buy Ella treats in the shopping, we buy her new clothes in the sales, all while debating whether £10 is too much to spend on a new something for myself. Parents go above & beyond for their kids, without a second thought for themselves… It must just be an inbuilt trait! Self care isn’t all bubble baths and spa dates (though a bubble bath really is a little luxury now!) it’s taking care of your health & wellbeing, a conscious decision to look after yourself. Self-care is hard, taking time out to nurture yourself automatically makes you feel guilty, but to look after your baby, you’ve got to look after yourself!

5. Everyone has an opinion…but Mama knows best.
It starts from birth, people feel like they’ve a right for input into how you raise your child. Whether it be family, friends, a random stranger you sat beside on the bus; everyone tells you how to do it right (sometimes they’ve got got ideas though!). It’s a bit overwhelming, but you learn to take it with a pinch of salt. A nice smile and nod, unless you catch me on a bad day. Take heed, unless I ask for help & advice, this mama is quite alright doing things her own way. Thank you very much.

6. No matter how much of a nightmare your child is being, when they look you straight in the eye & shoot you a little toothy smile, you forget all the bad bits! Even though you sometimes want to smush them, they are the greatest thing you have ever made, absolute perfection!

7. Creating a bedtime routine takes time and patience, but it’s the most rewarding.
We’re coming up to the 7 month mark in a couple of weeks, we’ve moved Ella into her own room recently and getting into a routine where she is in bed by 7.30 has been the best. She sleeps for 11ish hours (except on the rare occasion when she thenks 3.30am is the start of daytime), enabling us to have a bit of time to get ready for the next day, maybe do a bit of exercise, make the packed lunches, do some laundry, or realistically just watch TV… Its amazing what you can get done in that small child free window between their bedtime and yours!

8. Weaning is fun!
Every season of your babies life is different, but I’m finding this one fun. Initially I was a bit terrified, what if she chokes, what if she’s allergic, but as we moved on from first taste veg & started aiming for 3 meals a day, I’ve realised it’s fun. Fun to see her wee facial expressions, fun to put her in a highchair at a restaurant and share a meal with her, fun to share our favourite foods with her and see if she loves them too. It’s fun coming up with new flavour combinations and eating them myself too. Sharing meals around the dinner table and having time as a family over food is just lovely.

9. Take videos, not just photos.
I can’t even remember Ella as a tiny baby, and she’s only 6 1/2 months. The time goes so quickly and it’s so hard to remember all the little things. I started taking little videos of Ella about a month ago. I was flicking through her baby pics, the ones taken as soon as she was born, I realised James had taken them as live pictures. I was delighted, I heard her little cry again. Precious memories I didn’t think I’d have. So I decided to document more little moments in her life, pictures are amazing but videos just transport you back into that moment, and I’m sure she will love to see them when she’s older!

10. Make the most of it.
I’ve decided to take my full years maternity leave, because let’s face it, I’ll never get this time back. I know this isn’t an option for all mums, so make the most of the time you have. They are only little once. Sniff their wee heads, blow raspberries on their belly, live for their baby cackles. Soon they will be grown up, little independent beings who think they know best, so soak up all this time when they think you’re the best… Because you are!

Oh yea… I’d call this 11 but I don’t want to end on an odd number, but yea, no idea how I lived without baby wipes! They are so multifunctional. Porridge on your face, baby wipe. Food on the floor, baby wipe. Muddy shoe, baby wipe. Dusty TV unit before guests arrive, baby wipe! Yesterday’s makeup still on, baby wipe! Honestly, don’t know how I got by.

Recently Ella developed a bit of refulx. We took her to the Dr who prescribed ranitidine and told us to try her with a few spoon feeds to get her on the way to eating solids so we could reduce her milk volume.

Ella was 20 weeks when this all happened and I was a bit overwhelmed; all the advice points towards waiting until 6 months to help prevent infections, childhood obesity, to let the gut mature and to reduce the risk of choking. Its all pretty scary and you want to do the best for your child, but when a Dr advises it, it’s the best, right?

We waited a week (because we were away, and starting weaning then would have been really inconvenient… Great parents…) and started Ella with the veggies first approach. The only reason I done this was because of external influences. Its funny but strangers on Instagram or Facebook really do impact your decisions. I’d read about how babies have a preference for sweet things so veggies are best to widen their taste experience and introduce them to bitter flavours, also how pre-made pouches contained so much sugar and how doing baby led weaning was better for your baby’s development of their fine motor skills.

Information overload. How is a first time mum meant to know what to do for the best when everyone out there on the world wide web has an opinion that differs! So I joined a weaning group on Facebook, thinking mums who’ve been there would give me the help & direction I needed, unfortunately not. I was so discouraged and saddened by some of the mums on there, shaming other mums for using a mixture of weaning methods, or giving their child a petit flous! Don’t get me wrong, the majority were sharing recipes and helpful tips, while a small minority were tearing other mums apart & quoting the sugar contents of foods they shared, leaving comments like “my child certainly would never be eating that!” It was outrageous.

So I’m still none the wiser! We’re in week 2 of this weaning journey, now following no specific plan, just winging it and taking each day as it comes. Ella has had fresh home prepared veggie purees, some from premade packs, baked potato, homemade fruit purees, oaty pancakes, veggie finger foods and a chocolate bicky, she’s even had a suck on a wine gum… Balance right? She’s enjoyed everything she’s tried so far, especially the biscuit!

From here on in we are going to just do our own thing. We’re going to try a mix of spoon feeding and finger foods. Some say it’s not recommended and some say it’s the best way forward. Who’s to know? Babies can seem to love something one day, but the next be completely uninterested, so we’re just taking it as it comes & trying to make the variety of foods as wide as possible. Giving her a variety of textures might keep her interest, it might not, it’s all trial & error. The only thing I’ve learnt from this experience so far is that someone on the Internet has no idea what is best for my baby, and if you get up tight about what your baby is and isn’t allowed to have and how they are allowed to have it, then the experience is ruined before you’ve even began.

I want to enjoy this new stage with Ella. Watching her play with her food, feeling new textures, experiencing new tastes, pulling funny faces. I don’t want to be loaded with Mum-guilt because I gave her a convenient pouch or jar, or gave her a milky bar & a children’s yoghurt, or get bogged down trying display insta worthy food on bamboo plates and not succeeding. I just want to feed my daughter, to give her healthy & nutritious foods, and some treats too! I want to let her experience food & find her favourites. Yes it’s all new for me, but it’s also new for her too! I don’t want to ruin her experience by getting stressed out around meal times, I want her to take the lead, to show me how she’s most comfortable eating. It’ll be messy, but it’s all part of the fun!

If you have any helpful weaning tips or recipes for a new mama just starting out, let me know…and if you want to tell me how much sugar is in pre-made baby food and petit flous, don’t worry, I already know. Fresh & organic choices aren’t always options for everyone, people do what’s best for them & their family; so we just need to learn to respect everyone’s decisions on their weaning journey and help eachother out.

Follow along our weaning journey on Instagram @ashleigh_mcconkey

The dictionary definition is “the process of growing or cutting milk teeth.” In real life the definition is a little longer, and a lot less straight forward.

Teething : The act of cutting first teeth, in the process of which parents loose their minds, babies are driven mad with pain, there is an excessive production of extremely explosive nappies, many litres of drool & lots of outbursts of inconsolable crying.

It’s one of the first big hurdles you need to go through as a parent. Every baby will start teething at different times, there is no normal protocol, just estimates, so your really going into this one blind.

Ella started teething very early on. She constantly had bubbles around her mouth, pulling at her ears, lots of drool & loved a good chew on anything she could get her hands on, especially your nose. “Awh is she teething?” is all I’d hear, my response was always “no she’s only X weeks!” In my mind, teeth wouldn’t be something we had to worry about until she was at least 6 months old, so imagine my surprise when I saw that little white toothy peg in her mouth at 21 weeks!

Teething has taken its toll on us already & we’re only 1 tooth in! Ella has been waking in the night for a little cry and a cuddle, she’s soaking through countless bibs each day and she’s getting irrate when she can’t fit her whole fist in her mouth to chew on. As a first time mum you don’t really know what to do for the best, or what way to help ease your baby’s pain, we’ve tried a good few products which I’m going to share in this blog to try & help some other mamas out. These are just some of the methods we’ve tried, there are plenty more out there, but until Ella started teething I had no idea of the products out there, and which would be worth the money.

When Ella first started showing teething signs my Mum nipped down to the herbal shop to pick up New Era teething tablets, she used them for both my brother & I and she swore these would be the answer to our problems! The girl in the shop didn’t stock them and had to order them in, so in the meantime we tried Welda chamoille tablets. They are tiny little granules that come with a scoop, so apart from being a bit of a pain to get into Ella’s mouth, and helping her rid herself of unwanted gas via her bottom, I’m not sure what, if any effect they had on her gums! We are currently using the New Era tablets, they certainly help ease her pain and calm her down when she’s having a wee unsettled episode. I’d definitely recommend them, and as they are a herbal remedy I’m not worried about any nasties that could be in them. They come in around £8 for a tub of 240, Ella would maybe have 3 or 4 on a bad teething day, so they are quite reasonable & long lasting!

Ella has had so many teethers, water filled ones you put in the fridge, gel filled ones that are soft to chew on, plastic ones with multiple textures to massage the gums, I can’t say she’s enjoyed any of them any more than her fingers or the sleeve of her cardigan! We’ve also tried a matchstick monkey. Of all the teethers we’ve tried, this is the only one Ella has stuck with. It’s perfectly sized for tiny hands, enabling them to grip & guide the teether into their mouth, also helping them develop their fine motor skills! We have the original teether in pink, which has a great gel applicator, made of super soft silicone to help massage your baby’s gums. It’s a little pricy at around £10, but so far it’s got daily use, so I think it’s worth it!

Anything made from that lovely soft silicone seems to do the trick for Ella, I was lucky enough to win a teething necklace, its made from 5 silicone beads on nylon string with a safe clasp. Mine is from @ROSEBUDSCHEWELRY on Instagram, check it out, Laura has some lovely teething jewellery & makes it to the highest standards with top quality materials, so I have no doubt about the safety when I’m wearing my necklace. I only started wearing it the week Ella’s tooth arrived, but it really helped ease her pain, and gave her something else to focus on, grabbing the beads and bringing them to her mouth, working each bead along her gums. I find distraction really helps with teething troubles, toys with noises, playing on the mat, reading a book or singing and doing actions. The distraction might only last for a few minutes but it’s a few minutes she wasn’t getting upset or really struggling with pain.

Now for the real medicinal methods. Calpol, bonjella, brand names every parent of a teething baby knows! My Doctor advised me that teething gels were pointless, she said they just get swallowed and have no effect whatsoever on the gums, as a baby’s mouth is too wet for it to stay on the gums long enough to absorb. Very good. Tell that to a mother who will try anything to help her babys poor gums, so £3 later here we are. I find that applying bonjella to the head of the matchstick monkey and letting Ella apply it herself gives her longer periods of comfort compared to me just rubbing it on her gums. I don’t know if the bonjella actually helps, but it’s a cheap method to try and if it doesn’t work its not a big loss!
Calpol on the other hand, is actually medicine. Honestly I try to avoid giving Ella Calpol if I can, but some nights she’s in so much pain, her crying is inconsolable and I’ve exhausted all other methods to try and comfort her. It’s kind of a one fits all medicine, teething, temperature, sore tummy, you name it, a wee spoonful of Calpol will fix it.

So there you have it, teething. The pain is real. And it lasts, teething can happen anytime from 4 months onwards. Do what’s best for you & your baby. As parents all we want is for our babies to be happy & healthy, and we do whatever it takes to make that possible! Teeth come in pairs apparently, so as we continue on this journey with Ella, if we find any other great methods we will up date the blog, and if anyone has any other ways to ease teething, help a mama out and do get in touch!

**As soon as those teeth come through to register your baby with a dentist & start cleaning their teeth, especially before bedtime.**

I debated about writing this blog, should I write a birth story or not? It’s become a popular thing, and I know I read many during my pregnancy to try & get a feel for what was really going to happen. My birth story is pretty normal, nothing out of the ordinary; except it started with a change. A change in our baby’s movement, which prompted us to attend the hospital for a checkup. So all I want to say to anyone out there who is expecting a baby, keep note of the movements, and go with your gut. If you feel a change, get it checked out, don’t feel like your being a bother to the maternity staff, it’s better to be safe & have peace of mind!

So here it goes, Ella’s birth story.

9th March 2019

It was no ordinary Saturday, it was our baby’s due date. I bugged James to take my 40 week bump photo before we rushed out the door. It was exciting. Our baby could come any day now, the little life we had wondered about for the past 40 weeks was finally going to be in our arms. I was anxious. Worried about going into labour while James was at work. Carrying my green folder around with me everywhere just incase.
We sat down that night and it occurred to me that in all of the excitement and rushing around, I hadn’t felt our baby move that day. I done the usual, eating, ice cold water, but felt nothing. So I went for a bath, little bump usually enjoyed bath time and wriggled away, but not that night. I was a bit concerned, but in the back of my mind thought it was just in my head because it was baby’s due date, in the ideal world baby would have arrived that day. I lay down on the bed, in my dressing gown, towel wrapped around my hair, and I fell asleep. That was me until the next morning when I was awoke with an almighty kick. Phew! I woke James and told him I’d felt the baby, all was alright again. We got up, ready and headed to church, we enjoyed the fellowship lunch and even tea & birthday cake at my nanny’s (her birthday was baby’s due date); but I couldn’t shake the bad feeling. It wasn’t normal, baby should have been more active. So off we headed to the hospital. The trace showed a strong heart beat which was reassuring; however when the Dr finally done the scan he didn’t see any movement either. That was it. He booked my induction, he carried out a sweep and he was about to send me on my way. He excused himself to confer with his collegue and before we knew it I was having my wristbands put on and my husband was sent off home for my bags.

There were a few emergency sections that night and the Dr never got time to start my induction. I had the trace belts on since 10pm that night until Ella was delivered three days later, being monitored every two hours. My birth plan out the window already.

The next day was long, being induced isn’t a walk in the park. The doctor arrived at 7am to carry out a foley catheter induction. I passed on the gas & air, told myself I was brave and put those hypnobirthing breathing techniques to good use. We walked back to the induction ward and the midwife helped me into bed. That’s when it started, it was unbelievable. All of a sudden a huge wave of hot, sweaty, agony washed over me. I tried sitting up, I tried pacing up and down, I was sweating so bad, I started to feel dizzy and I felt like I was going to be sick. A midwife pulled back the curtain holding a little brown cardboard dish with my paracetamol in it, which I just about made it to before returning the toast I’d had earlier. I felt helpless. I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t stand, but she completely understood. She brought me some new paracetamol and fresh toast and tea. She helped me into the most comfortable position, set me up with my book and pulled my buzzer over beside my hand. “it gets easier as the time goes on.” I just laughed. If this was what induction was like I really didn’t want to experience Labour.

She was right though, as the hours passed I began to feel normal again. I enjoyed a little walk to the cantine to see my parents, wandering around the hospital with James to try and get the baby into position and I got all my food brought to me… Winning! No one judges you for eating a whole packet of marksies cookies in that situation!

Monitoring continued every 2 hours, it was a bit annoying that I wasn’t getting any sleep, but I was glad they were keeping check on the baby and the lovely midwives were always full of chat which helped the time pass.

The foley stayed in place for 24 hours. Apparently if it does its job right it might fall out, no such luck. The midwife explained that they were going to transfer me to the delivery suite and I would have my waters broken after the foley was removed. Great. I phoned James and filled him in, got up, had a lovely shower, got myself dressed into my delivery nightie and moved into my new room. James arrived with his backpack of supplies. We had breakfast together, and then the day began.

The loveliest spoken doctor came to examine me, he removed the foley and encouraged me to take a few puffs of gas & air while he broke my waters. Oh well. That stuff is something else. While I swirled around in a land made of clouds with the lovely Drs voice echoing in the background and him stroking my arm telling me how well I’d done, my poor husband was being traumatised by my waters breaking. He says even to this day it was like a waterfall; I’m just glad they didn’t break in the middle of tesco! It’s funny, my bump had already got a little smaller, I couldn’t believe it was time, I kept thinking baby will be here today. I had the hormone drip inserted in one hand and my antibiotics hooked up too. When I was 24 weeks pregnant it was discovered I had Group B Strep, so IV antibiotics were required every 4 hours after my waters had broken.

Tuesday 12th March. 8am.

I was ready for this, in my head this was the day our baby would arrive. James set up cinema in our little delivery room. We listened to music. I bounced on the birthing ball. I had to stop every so often because the trace wasn’t picking up. We had chats with our midwife about everything and nothing at all (turns out she knew my mother in law). I complained I was hungry…again…and again. I was given some lucozade. Unamused. I breathed through some minor contractions. I lent against the bed while on the ball, I was determined to have an active birth. I avoided the bed like it was made of lava! I didn’t get to go to the active birthing centre like I’d hoped, so I was holding onto any chance for a birth similar to what I’d planned… UFO, upright, forward & open, and lying in bed was none of these. I kept hearing my getting ready for baby midwife saying “a lady who labour’s in bed, labour’s longer,” and I was determined baby would arrive by close of business today!

At 4pm I asked for the gas & air, I was hungry and tired. I got into that bed and supped on that gas & air like my life depended on it. All hope for an active birth went out the window, I just wanted it all to be over, and I’d have killed for a piece of toast! Honestly I don’t remember much from this time, conversations happening in the room felt very far away, I was so far gone I was unaware of the midwifes offering me stonger pain relief, the staff changed and I didn’t even know; then all of a sudden it was 10pm.

The sister on the delivery suite was standing at the bottom of my bed, I was wearing a different nightie and I had no idea what was going on, but no one looked amused. They took away the gas & air and explained I needed an epidural. I protested, telling the sister it just wasn’t happening, but she wouldn’t budge. The gas & air was making me violently sick, I hadn’t eaten since 6am and I needed to rest or there was no way I’d have the energy to deliver my baby.

In that moment, I was devasted. I never wanted any stronger pain-relief, not because I wanted to say “oh I done it with only gas & air,” I refused any other pain relief up until this point due to the risks involved. I gave in, I was sobbing and sick, and still was nowhere near meeting our baby. They dressed me in a gown (as I only had 1 clean nightie left) still sobbing about what was about to happen, I sat on the bed, fully informed by the anesthetist and waited. He started and I began to have pains in my left leg, I cried telling him about my leg and he stopped. He checked my leg for sensation and went for a second attempt, fully successful.

They got me into bed and examined me. Five centimetres. The hormone drip had maxed out & I’d made zero progress. I begged for a section, they declined. I was hungry, exhausted and really irrate.

After I calmed down, the midwife carried out the ice cube test and I realised that I couldn’t infact feel anything below my waist, the epidural I so desperately didn’t want was actually a success. They restarted the hormone drip and I drifted off for a few hours much needed rest.

I never felt another contraction that night. I was assessed again at 2pm. Six centimetres. I’d progressed one whole centimeter in four hours. I knew the baby had to come within 24 hours of my waters breaking, but I was really starting to get annoyed by the fact it was taking so long. The Dr said 6am was my cut off, if baby wasn’t showing any sign of making an appearance by then I’d be off for a c-section. We completed the forms just incase and I went for another doze.

I woke around 3am with a strange feeling, like I had to push. I told the midwife, she said it was unlikely and advised me not to do any pushing until the time was right. Half an hour passed and the feeling was just getting stronger. I really needed to push. The midwife done a quick examination and her face said it all, nine centimeters! 4am came and she talked me through how to go about the pushing. As I couldn’t feel any contractions she watched the trace and told me when exactly to push. It felt like a life time but it wasn’t long at all. The pushes took all my energy, the midwives were encouraging me, telling me how good I was doing, and all I remember saying was, “I can’t believe women have multiple kids!” I took advantage of the gas & air again as the head was about to be delivered, she was distressed, the chord was around her neck and the midwife carried out an episiotomy to get her out more swiftly. 5am. The relief washed over me, I lay there exhausted, but proud that I managed to birth our baby. I lay silently, listening for her cry, but it took what seemed a lifetime. I watched the midwives rub her down to try and get her going. Finally she let out her beautiful cry & the midwife passed her up onto my chest. Our baby girl, 2 minutes old. Ella Grace McConkey we both exclaimed, besotted already with our beautiful daughter.

A lot of things happened in those minutes that followed birth which I can’t quite recall correctly. I can remember James cutting the chord, having chats about how Labour wasn’t that bad (it must have been that gas & air buzz speaking) while my midwife gave me some Injections and done some stitches, then James having to run to the car for the baby bag and Ella having her first feed. I was in a euphoric state, like the adrenaline you feel after finishing a race, but x100. Once we got sorted we facetimed both our parents and introduced them to their little Granddaughter. I enjoyed the best tea & toast ever, and then we were wheeled off to our new room, showing off our little bundle to all the staff along the way.

So there we are, Ella’s birth story, long and drawn out just like the whole experience. 16 weeks later and it seems like a lifetime ago. There is nothing that can prepare you for childbirth, and the days and weeks of recovery that follow, but it really is true what they say, when you look down into the eyes of your little baby, you forget about any pain, because they are worth it.

Ella is now 10 weeks old, I’ve been gearing up to write her birth story, because; well I know how much I enjoyed a good birth story when I was pregnant, the more honest detail the better. But instead of doing that I’ve decided to write about something else. As Maternal Mental Health week has passed, I was encouraged by stories from other mums. Encouraged to attend baby groups, just to get out of the house, to have contact with other adults, to clear your head. Putting myself out there isn’t really my thing.

Growing up I remember being shy. I was an only child until I was 10, I had friends in my primary school class & a new little brother, but I wasn’t for doing things outside of my routine, outside of my comfort zone. I liked going to GB, but I hated display season. I liked going to clubs, but I hated playing the games. I didn’t like putting myself out there. I was happy sitting on the sidelines.

As I grew, I was still shy; well, shy until you got to know me. I met some great friends, I got more comfortable, and outgoing. More comfortable to be in situations with people I didn’t know, loving all the chat & banter!

One day around UCAS time I was in my Dr’s office. She asked what I was applying for. The words biomedical science had literally left my lips when she looked me straight in the eye and said, “oh no, that’s not very you. Science is very antisocial, being cooped up in the lab for hours on end without any people contact, no no, not you at all!” Obviously I laughed, in my head thinking she’s wrong & how great it was going to be.

How right she was.

With countless hours spent in the lab along during my degree & masters came the comfortable silence I grew to enjoy. That outgoing, chatty girl just faded into the background during my late uni years. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy people contact and love a good chat, but I’ll no longer actively go and seek out someone to converse with anymore. I’m happy enough to sit in my own company. I suppose I’ve become a bit of an introvert.

Roll forward 10 years and here I am. A scientist. A wife. A mother.

I feel like I should put a disclaimer: not all scientists are introverts! Not all people who go into science are satifified with the peace & quiet of the lab; some would talk the leg of a stool and forget their was science to be done in the first place!

Being a scientist and an introvert is fine. When you need that space, off to the lab you go. Your quiet haven, tranquility, the head space you need. 100% alone time. No one will bother you in the lab, unless they want to borrow something, and even then, your safe, only a few brief sentences, then back to the silence you so deeply enjoy. You just carry out your work, repetitive motions, day & daily, always knowing what to do next. Yes. Science & introvert go together like jelly & ice cream.

Being a wife and an introvert is ok, well its OK for me. My husband is a massive extrovert. Like he literally lives off people contact. He’s always chatting. To everyone. The checkout guy. The postman. Random dogwalker in the park. You name it, he’ll chat about it. So in social situations I happily take the back seat & let James carry the craic. I’ll chip in when I’m spoken too, or if someone tells a particularly funny story or if I’m 100% certain I have something to say that will contribute to the conversation. Most of the time I’m just listening… Or having another internal conversation of funny things I could have said!

Which brings me to being a Mum & an introvert. This is definitely not as fine or ok as my other roles! My teenage self would honestly have thrived in this situation, but not 20-30’s me, not the me who has become so accustomed to my own internal chat. Let’s be honest, I’d become so comfortable with the silence that even the TV bothered me, I’d sit at home, TV off, maybe a book, maybe not, but always in the silence.

When I found out we were having a baby, my husband set me a challenge (great… Just what I love…) He set me a challenge to be more intentional. So it started small, “here Ashleigh, talk about the weather to the checkout girl,” “nope I like to scan my own thanks!” And so it continued. I find it so hard to just strike up a conversation with a stranger, well until it’s thrust upon you! When you have a baby, everyone wants a chat. Literally everyone. It’s as if I went to bed as a completely normal girl & woke up as a celebrity! People on the street, in lifts, in the shop, in the hospital, it doesn’t matter where it is, everyone wants a conversation about Ella. Which is fine, usually they are direct statements or questions, which I can answer or just smile pleasantly. The problem arises in group situations. The introvert in me has become very content with the company of my tiny daughter… Who can’t converse but makes cute noises when I talk to her. When we enter a group, I won’t initiate conversations, I feel silly walking into a crowd and introducing myself. I just can’t do it. Being in their company is enough. It’s enough for me to feel involved. Enough for me to feel comfortable. Having one on one chats or sitting in a small group of mums can be enjoyable too. I enjoy the chat, I just don’t always feel I’ve anything to say.
It’s nice when your a mum to be invited. It’s nice to feel part of a group of ladies who are all doing motherhood together; but in a world where most activities are geared towards extroverts, it’s sometimes nice to just be involved in these activities from the sidelines.

Ella is now 10 weeks old (back to where we started) we had our first experience of Mums & Tots, and let me tell you, we loved every minute. Well to be honest Ella could have been anywhere, she’s no idea, she’s 10 weeks old, but I; introvert mum, enjoyed every minute. I sat, drank tea, had a few lovely chats, sang nursery rhymes and went home. I enjoyed the company of all those other mums without having to be in the middle of it all. Without having to initiate chat. Without any internal drama. I felt comfortable. Since then we’ve attended a few other tots groups. Every time I go somewhere new I get that anxious feeling, but actually each time has been better & more enjoyable. My old self is pushing her way out, trying to bloom after all these years. Each chat I have increases my confidence, increases my desire to spend time with others and it tends to my mental wellbeing.

So this ones for you; the Mum sitting at home, spending all her time with her newborn, worried about having to make small talk with strangers. It’s worth it. I’ve been there. Go out & find a group, because as much as they say it’s for baby, it’s not, it’s for you.

Other Mums are in the same situation, quietly sitting on the side of the mat, playing alone with their child, and that’s perfectly ok; but give others a chance. We’re all on this motherhood journey together; a little chat here & there could really enhance your experience, whether you think you’ll like it or not, meet some Mums, share stories, leave if you feel overwhelmed. But don’t go on this journey alone.

I started this post by talking about Maternal Mental Health week. I’ve been blessed to not suffer from baby blues or PND but it’s a real thing. I now know why those Mums were recommending getting out of the house. Everything seems so much worse when you are left alone with your own thoughts. Even the tiniest of problems become a massive worry, but meeting other Mums helps you to see that everyone goes through struggles, no one has it together and sometimes a listening ear can help a lot.

It’s good to talk, attending baby groups gives you the opportunity, even if you think it’s scary or it takes weeks for you to feel comfortable enough to even say hi, there are people there who will listen, who genuinely care about the mums who attend.

So as I finish this (very long) post, I just want to say, in the words of my husband,

You got this!

When I was pregnant with Ella I had no specific desires about how I’d be feeding her. I just wanted her to be fed at the end of the day. I wanted my baby nourished and to grow and be healthy. That’s all.

It’s funny how things change. Within the first hour of Ella’s life, she had latched on and was feeding perfectly. It was amazing. I’d heard so much about how getting your baby to latch was the hard part and I guess that’s why I’d not set my hopes on feeding her myself.

My decision was made; the midwives said my baby girl was a born breastfeeder, I was filled with pride & encouragement flowed from everyone. If you’ve been in that situation you’ll know how lovely it is, having that bond with your baby, time for just you & them.

Our journey was going fab. Ella kept on feeding like clockwork. She was settled, content & full after each feed. So imagine my horror when the midwife said she wasn’t gaining enough. This continued for some time. At each visit she had gained a few more grams, but never enough for them to be satisfied.

I’d never had any hang ups about using formula, but when this was suggested by our health carers my world just fell to pieces. I was so upset. Filled with thoughts that my baby wouldn’t need me anymore; that our bond would be broken and everything would change. Looking back now I know they had Ella’s best interest in mind; but to a new mum who thinks she’s doing a good job breastfeeding her baby, this was a giant slap in the face. In my mind they were saying, “you’re not enough.”

The days went on with the introduction of a few oz of formula and Ella still wasn’t gaining. I was feeding her round the clock, trying to get as much into her as possible to bulk her up and please the midwives. Mother’s Day came with a visit from the midwife. Ella still hadn’t regained her birth weight, 18 days old. The midwife popped her on the scales, we all waited, fingers and toes crossed, hoping our baby girl had made the cut, but no; she had lost weight. That day, on my first Mother’s Day, I felt nothing like a mother at all. I couldn’t even give my daughter the sustenance she needed to grow. I wasn’t enough.

I tried more rest, more porridge, more vitamins, more pumping, fenugreek, fennel…you name it, I tried it all; with no success. As I write this it still fills me with sadness.

Breastfeeding has such great benefits for both mother and baby, and I had no desire to do it, until I did. Usually I’m really great at giving things up. Piano…gymnastics…ballet…getting up early to walk the dog… I gave them all up with no second thought; but this was different.

This has been the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. My daughter was labelled as “failling to thrive” before being sent to see a paediatrician. I could still feed my daughter with the little amount of milk I produced, but leave her wanting. I fed her for 6 weeks, but I was more concerned about what people would say if I gave up. I didn’t want other people to know that I wasn’t enough. My daughter experienced this all because of my stubbornness. My inability to see past my own ego. My embarrassment. You see I was more concerned about other people, but no matter what people are always judging.

So as I sat in my Drs office last week and she said the words, “she’s had a good start but I think that’s enough now” I died a little inside. I am not enough.

I spoke with my health visitor and she quickly corrected me. I don’t have enough. I didn’t have enough milk. My body, still recovering from growing and birthing my baby, just wasn’t functioning at its best to produce enough milk for her.

I realised that my ability to produce milk had no impact on my ability to be a good Mum for Ella. Being enough and having enough are two totally different things; but in the mind of a new mother, I got these mixed up.

So going forward I want to remember that I am enough regardless of how I feed my baby.

I am enough.

Every parent out there is enough. You are all your child needs.

Your presence.

Your love.

Your care.

20 hours. 20 long, fasting, pain relief filled hours passed before the arrival of our beautiful daughter.

She arrived at 5am on the 13th March & all the details of her whirlwind arrival and my not-to-plan labour were washed away by a massive tidal wave of new found love. Love I didn’t know was possible. I never really understood how love at first sight could happen, until they placed her on my chest, wrinkly and covered in vernix, she was the most perfect human I’d ever clocked eyes with. Of course I loved her when she was growing inside, but this feeling was different.

We were both smitten. My husband stroked my hair, telling me I’d done an amazing job. He cut the umbilical cord & accompanied the midwives as they weighed our brand new daughter.

They brought her back to me, and that’s when they asked; “so does this little one have a name?”

“Ella Grace McConkey” we both said in unison, and just like that she sprung into our world, she really was ours.

It’s hard to believe when they hand you your baby for the first time, that this is in-fact the little life you’ve bonded with for the past 40 weeks. Hard to imagine that this wriggling baby was inside my bump. I still catch myself looking at her, marvelling at how perfectly formed she is, amazed by what the human body is capable of!

Now each of our days are filled with Ella. Everything we do and everywhere we go revolves around her. It’s hard to remember what our life was like as a two, hard to imagine our life without Ella; I’ve not had much time for a long relaxing bath, or to just stay in bed all day, or make last minute plans with friends, all of these things are harder with a baby, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

The past four weeks have been wonderful. Exhausting. Emotional. Full of decisions I never thought I’d have to make; but putting all that aside, they really have been amazing. Nothing prepares you for parenthood. It’s a journey that you prep for, for nine months, but no amount of reading, or classes or babysitting practice will prepare you for what you are about to face. So as I journey further into this new role, I look forward to all of the learning, all of the compromise, all of the milestones and all of the love with my new family; and I can’t wait to share our experiences (when I find the time!!)

This is it. The final countdown.

Up until now I was fairly relaxed, even a bit laid back; but the more people ask if I’m “all ready” the more I doubt that I am.

We’ve finished our nursery, we’ve stock pilled nappies, wipes, creams, muslin cloths and baby grows. We’ve built our pram & figured out how to use the car seat & base, we’ve sorted our Moses basket & packed everything we could ever possibly need for hospital. But that’s the thing, when will we need all of this stuff??

The fear has set in big time. Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to finally meeting our baby. The fear isn’t about becoming a mother (I don’t think…maybe deep down it is lol) the fear I’m feeling is the fear of the unknown! Every little twinge, I wonder to myself “is this it?!” I haven’t got a clue what it’ll feel like, where I’ll be when it happens, or realistically if anything I’m feeling is normal, or if I should go get it checked out! I’m sure I’m feeling like every other first time mum out there!

Growing a baby is amazing, but it’s all very surreal. For 9 months you change physically, you feel lots of things for the first time; but still the main even is so far off that you don’t really give it a second thought. Women go through labour everyday, it’s completely natural, my body will know what to do when the time comes…right?!?! I’ve told myself this the whole way through my pregnancy, but now I’m not so sure. I don’t feel brave, or equipped as much as all those other ladies who’ve come before me. I’ve just one week left before my due date, and I find myself living in some surreal alternative universe. As if it’s not real.

On one hand I know our baby will be here any time in the next 19 days, but on the other I’m living blissfully unaware of the fact our lives as we know them are going to drastically change within the next 3 weeks!

Fear is such a weird feeling, it takes over all ability to feel anything else, or feel anything else for any period of time, as it always comes back to your fearful thoughts. It manifests itself in response to perceived danger. At this point you might think…she’s afraid of labour, afraid of actually giving birth; but actually my feeling is very different, it’s directed towards the safety of my baby. You see, at 17 weeks I was diagnosed with Group B Strep infection. It’s fairly common and actually harmless to adults; however it can cause lots of complications for a new born baby. I’m so thankful to my midwives for deciding to test me for this, as it’s not a standard test on the NHS, and without them I wouldn’t have been aware at all. The only difference it makes to my labour is that when my waters break I need to have IV antibiotics administered to protect the baby; and therein lies my fear! I’ve heard so many stories of women who were unaware their waters had broken, as it wasn’t a massive gush like you see in the movies. My fear is that I won’t know, and that I will be unknowingly be putting my baby at greater risk. It’s become a thing between my husband & I where he will just randomly phone me in the day, ask where I am and then ask if I have my notes with me…we are both living with this fear of being unprepared for a swift trip to the hospital!

I’ve been on my maternity leave for 3 days now, it’s hard to get my head around the fact it’s not just a nice wee holiday! That these days spent with friends and family will be the last time I can give them all my undivided attention, before baby comes along and requires that of me. I’ve been very blessed to have a straightforward pregnancy, no sickness, no complaints; which is why I think I’m finding it all very surreal. I’ve felt very normal the whole way through, only now am I beginning to feel “pregnant,” with only a week or so to adjust. I suppose it’s sometimes hard to process emotions in the lead up to such a life changing event, no one can actually know how they are going to feel or react. So in these last days before we get to finally meet our baby, I’m trying to conquer the fear & trust my natural instincts to kick in when the time is right; because honestly I really want to enjoy these last few days having lovely lunches and going out for tea & buns lol!

Last week we finished all of our anti-natal classes and our hypnobirthing classes. We got a certificate to say we had attended, and just like that, we were let loose out into the world, equipped to be parents. Or so the midwife said!

We’ve learnt about the benefits of constantly developing the bond with your baby, the importance of love in the development of your child’s brain. We understand the makeup of breast milk & the benefits it has for both mum & baby. We have an idea of what will happen when labour starts, certain birthing positions and breathing techniques that may alleviate pain and discomfort, the difference in the available pain relief that will be available and the various options of places to birth. We learnt how to bath a baby, hold a baby, change a nappy; all with a little doll, and apparently all of the above are things you need to know to be a parent.

It’s been playing on my mind all week, knowing that after the classes I’m expected to know what I’m doing. Have a birth plan. Have the skills to take my newborn baby home & get on with my life.

I sat there in the last class feeling like no amount of courses could prepare me for what is about to happen!! No matter how many printouts of crucial information I was given, practical experience surpasses anything you will read, and as a first timer, I don’t have any!

As we carefully passed that little doll around the class , it just felt surreal. In a few weeks that little doll will be a living, breathing human being, who will rely on me for everything.

I don’t have it all together, but maybe I don’t need to have it altogether! Baby & I will both be new to this. We will be figuring each other out together. I’ve learnt the basics, how to birth my baby (and according to hypnobirthing- my body already has all the skills I need built in, I just need to relax!) and how to meet my baby’s basic needs, everything else is up to us. To grow together on this journey. What works for one mum & their baby, might not work for another. None of the parents in that anti-natal class will raise their babies the same way but I’m pretty certain we all feel the same way about the unknown we’re about to enter.

As you can probably tell, I’m a real worrier, especially about things which are usually out of my control. For this reason I signed up to the complimentary hypnobirthing classes that my local maternity unit offered. It has been a great help so far. Even just practicing the calm breathing has helped me settle myself when anxious thoughts drift in. The main focus is on positive affirmations that you can hardwire into your brain to call upon when you feel like you can’t do it. I’ve picked one line which counteracts the feelings about my labour and beyond which regularly plague my mind.

Birthing is miraculous, no matter how it happens

You may think this is a little wishy washy. That’s fine, but the reason I chose this to hold on to is so I don’t feel deflated. I understand it’s good to be focused, to have a positive mind, but sometimes the more you build yourself up, the harder you’ll fall at the first hurdle. I know this goes against everything we learnt at hypnobirthing, but I’ve got to do what works for me, and I know that if I have my mind set on doing something and it doesn’t work out, I’m pretty much the opposite of chilled. We’ve already faced some disappointment while making plans for our birth, so instead of risking getting upset or stressed out in the midst of labour, if things don’t go as I planned, I just want to remember that no matter what happens, no matter if plans change, no matter if I need intervention, my birth will be a miracle. The fact that my body will have grown a human and brought it into this world is amazing.

So these last few weeks we will wait in anticipation for the birth of our baby. Focusing on all the lovely things and trying not to worry about the birth or what we’re going to do when they discharge us from hospital. This is what we’ve been waiting for; we’ve had 9 months to get our heads around the fact that we’re heading off on the biggest adventure of our lives. We’ve a few weeks left of being just the two of us, and we’re going to try and make the most of every moment we can!