Ella is now 10 weeks old, I’ve been gearing up to write her birth story, because; well I know how much I enjoyed a good birth story when I was pregnant, the more honest detail the better. But instead of doing that I’ve decided to write about something else. As Maternal Mental Health week has passed, I was encouraged by stories from other mums. Encouraged to attend baby groups, just to get out of the house, to have contact with other adults, to clear your head. Putting myself out there isn’t really my thing.

Growing up I remember being shy. I was an only child until I was 10, I had friends in my primary school class & a new little brother, but I wasn’t for doing things outside of my routine, outside of my comfort zone. I liked going to GB, but I hated display season. I liked going to clubs, but I hated playing the games. I didn’t like putting myself out there. I was happy sitting on the sidelines.

As I grew, I was still shy; well, shy until you got to know me. I met some great friends, I got more comfortable, and outgoing. More comfortable to be in situations with people I didn’t know, loving all the chat & banter!

One day around UCAS time I was in my Dr’s office. She asked what I was applying for. The words biomedical science had literally left my lips when she looked me straight in the eye and said, “oh no, that’s not very you. Science is very antisocial, being cooped up in the lab for hours on end without any people contact, no no, not you at all!” Obviously I laughed, in my head thinking she’s wrong & how great it was going to be.

How right she was.

With countless hours spent in the lab along during my degree & masters came the comfortable silence I grew to enjoy. That outgoing, chatty girl just faded into the background during my late uni years. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy people contact and love a good chat, but I’ll no longer actively go and seek out someone to converse with anymore. I’m happy enough to sit in my own company. I suppose I’ve become a bit of an introvert.

Roll forward 10 years and here I am. A scientist. A wife. A mother.

I feel like I should put a disclaimer: not all scientists are introverts! Not all people who go into science are satifified with the peace & quiet of the lab; some would talk the leg of a stool and forget their was science to be done in the first place!

Being a scientist and an introvert is fine. When you need that space, off to the lab you go. Your quiet haven, tranquility, the head space you need. 100% alone time. No one will bother you in the lab, unless they want to borrow something, and even then, your safe, only a few brief sentences, then back to the silence you so deeply enjoy. You just carry out your work, repetitive motions, day & daily, always knowing what to do next. Yes. Science & introvert go together like jelly & ice cream.

Being a wife and an introvert is ok, well its OK for me. My husband is a massive extrovert. Like he literally lives off people contact. He’s always chatting. To everyone. The checkout guy. The postman. Random dogwalker in the park. You name it, he’ll chat about it. So in social situations I happily take the back seat & let James carry the craic. I’ll chip in when I’m spoken too, or if someone tells a particularly funny story or if I’m 100% certain I have something to say that will contribute to the conversation. Most of the time I’m just listening… Or having another internal conversation of funny things I could have said!

Which brings me to being a Mum & an introvert. This is definitely not as fine or ok as my other roles! My teenage self would honestly have thrived in this situation, but not 20-30’s me, not the me who has become so accustomed to my own internal chat. Let’s be honest, I’d become so comfortable with the silence that even the TV bothered me, I’d sit at home, TV off, maybe a book, maybe not, but always in the silence.

When I found out we were having a baby, my husband set me a challenge (great… Just what I love…) He set me a challenge to be more intentional. So it started small, “here Ashleigh, talk about the weather to the checkout girl,” “nope I like to scan my own thanks!” And so it continued. I find it so hard to just strike up a conversation with a stranger, well until it’s thrust upon you! When you have a baby, everyone wants a chat. Literally everyone. It’s as if I went to bed as a completely normal girl & woke up as a celebrity! People on the street, in lifts, in the shop, in the hospital, it doesn’t matter where it is, everyone wants a conversation about Ella. Which is fine, usually they are direct statements or questions, which I can answer or just smile pleasantly. The problem arises in group situations. The introvert in me has become very content with the company of my tiny daughter… Who can’t converse but makes cute noises when I talk to her. When we enter a group, I won’t initiate conversations, I feel silly walking into a crowd and introducing myself. I just can’t do it. Being in their company is enough. It’s enough for me to feel involved. Enough for me to feel comfortable. Having one on one chats or sitting in a small group of mums can be enjoyable too. I enjoy the chat, I just don’t always feel I’ve anything to say.
It’s nice when your a mum to be invited. It’s nice to feel part of a group of ladies who are all doing motherhood together; but in a world where most activities are geared towards extroverts, it’s sometimes nice to just be involved in these activities from the sidelines.

Ella is now 10 weeks old (back to where we started) we had our first experience of Mums & Tots, and let me tell you, we loved every minute. Well to be honest Ella could have been anywhere, she’s no idea, she’s 10 weeks old, but I; introvert mum, enjoyed every minute. I sat, drank tea, had a few lovely chats, sang nursery rhymes and went home. I enjoyed the company of all those other mums without having to be in the middle of it all. Without having to initiate chat. Without any internal drama. I felt comfortable. Since then we’ve attended a few other tots groups. Every time I go somewhere new I get that anxious feeling, but actually each time has been better & more enjoyable. My old self is pushing her way out, trying to bloom after all these years. Each chat I have increases my confidence, increases my desire to spend time with others and it tends to my mental wellbeing.

So this ones for you; the Mum sitting at home, spending all her time with her newborn, worried about having to make small talk with strangers. It’s worth it. I’ve been there. Go out & find a group, because as much as they say it’s for baby, it’s not, it’s for you.

Other Mums are in the same situation, quietly sitting on the side of the mat, playing alone with their child, and that’s perfectly ok; but give others a chance. We’re all on this motherhood journey together; a little chat here & there could really enhance your experience, whether you think you’ll like it or not, meet some Mums, share stories, leave if you feel overwhelmed. But don’t go on this journey alone.

I started this post by talking about Maternal Mental Health week. I’ve been blessed to not suffer from baby blues or PND but it’s a real thing. I now know why those Mums were recommending getting out of the house. Everything seems so much worse when you are left alone with your own thoughts. Even the tiniest of problems become a massive worry, but meeting other Mums helps you to see that everyone goes through struggles, no one has it together and sometimes a listening ear can help a lot.

It’s good to talk, attending baby groups gives you the opportunity, even if you think it’s scary or it takes weeks for you to feel comfortable enough to even say hi, there are people there who will listen, who genuinely care about the mums who attend.

So as I finish this (very long) post, I just want to say, in the words of my husband,

You got this!